Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Blogs of Christmas Past, part three

Merry Christmas, everybody! 

OK, it's not politically correct. Happy Holidays is politically correct. But then,  I'm not politically correct. Stats say 80% of the U.S. is Christian. That means I'm in the majority, and last time I checked, majority rules. Even if it didn't, I'm a Christian and proud of it. 

I have a lot to apologize for, but that's not on the list. 

'Tis the season. In Iraq, Santa is making the rounds wearing a bullet-proof vest and packin' heat. Who'd ever have thought Santa would have to travel with weapons? 

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus--and he's armed and dangerous.Don't let him catch you being naughty. There's a stiff penalty for being naughty. 

In New Zealand, a bunch of drunken Santas invaded a cineplex. Drunken Santas?'s so hard to get good help these days. 

Normally, I try to be done with everything long before the Big Day because I detest crowds and insanity (except my own, of course), but yesterday, I not only ventured out into the last-minute chaos, I was oblivious to it. I had my trusty MP3 player with me, so all was well. 

Music really does soothe the savage beast. I'm living proof of that. 

First stop: the bank, to make a deposit. We've been with the same bank for something like eighteen years, through numerous mergers and name changes. I've been there longer than most of the personnel. At the teller window (I don't think they call 'em teller cages anymore, though at times they probably should), Pat is smiling. She's got good reason to smile: a holiday falling on a Saturday. At least banks employees will get that half day--and the Sunday after. She's surprised to see me out and about.

"I'm going to get my turkey," I mentioned. 

She didn't miss a beat. "I thought he was at work," she deadpanned, referring to Collin, not the edible turkey awaiting me at Dierbergs' deli. 

I laughed like a looney tune. Couldn't help it. That was a good line. Wish I'd thought of it. 

Last year, we had a pre-fab (OK, pre-cooked) turkey. My son, the aspiring chef, had no intention of preparing the Christmas dinner. (Did I mention this before? Or maybe I only mentioned it repeatedly to HIM.) He worked all week at the restaurant and had no interest in cooking on his one and only day off. So with our pre-cooked bird, instant sides and my aversion to cooking anything other than in a microwave, dinner was ready in a record 30 minutes. 

Hey, I have better things to do on Christmas Day than cook.


  1. Good one! And I think Collin would take exception to being called a turkey!

    Santa packing heat... that'll be on the NRA calendar.

  2. I think you've just replaced Erma Bombeck!
    Very funny visuals.

  3. I just wish I could find one of the insane Santas in New Zealand...they were probably all Orcs abandoned by Peter Jackson.

    Thanks, guys!

  4. I don't know what happened to me this year, but even as yet, I am totally unprepared. Christmas seemed to sneak up on all of us this year...

    BTW, your pre-cooked turkey LOOKED amazing!!! (I'd like you to insert my note of sarcasm and to underline "looked"...) LOL

  5. Mom expects me to help her fry fish Christmas Eve, after an 11 plus hour car drive. I wonder if they have any Long John Silvers in Ferrel?

  6. Very funny! Never thought of Santa as armed and dangerous:).

    How did your slow cooker pot roast turn out? That's one of my favorite crock pot meals!

    So you have a son who's an aspiring chef? Hmm...sounds like cooking Christmas dinner will be in his future at some time;).

  7. Ha ha!, you've linked my button to's a wee bit different from what mine really
    Which link is yours and Martin's joint blog? I want to feature it after Christmas.

  8. Thank you for the laugh, and for all the laughs.

    A very Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas.

    My girlfriend claims to be Jewish in an attempt to get out of buying me presents, and would like to train me well enough to revert to "Happy Holidays"

    It's not going to happen, in my world midgets are still midgets, not little people, and it will always be Merry Christmas, not ChrHanZai (Christmas/Hannukah/Quanzai)

    I love your blog and here's to another 365 days of it in 2011


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