Monday, April 11, 2011

Guest Blogger: William Kendall

Today, I have the pleasure of introducing my guest blogger, a man who really needs no introduction: my partner in crime, William Kendall....

Attack of the Cranky Giant Goose
Near the Trans Canada Highway in northern Ontario, north of Sault Ste. Marie, is the small town of Wawa. It's an Ojibway word meaning wild goose. It's primarily known for the presence of a large statue of a Canada Goose along the highway, a statue that's become well known and photographed in the years since it was put in place (we Canadians have a habit of erecting oversized statues and sculptures, like giant nickels and giant Ukranian eggs). 


The idea at the time was simple: get the tourists to stop at something they'd want to photograph, and that way, they'd come into the town itself. These days Wawa actually puts up the road signs promoting itself more then seven hundred kilometres east on the Trans Canada. That's dedication. 

The Canada Goose, like those human members of all things Canada who can't tolerate winter, bolts for warmer climates in October. The warmer the better. Now they're coming back, honking their agitation as you walk by. Ingrates. We name you after the country, and you can't even put up with a little snow?Cowards.

This statue is actually an updated version of the statue (the first, like the bird it represents, had problems standing up to a Canadian winter). It stands at 28 feet in height, 22 feet in length, with a wingspan of 20 feet and a weight of 2 tonnes. So, like I said... it's big. 

Now imagine a real Canada goose that big. Imagine the noise. Imagine the droppings.
You could make a horror movie about it. Roger Corman would have made an ideal director. This kind of B-movie schlock would have been right up his alley. Attack of the Cranky Giant Goose. Imagine it, a gigantic Canada Goose laying waste to vast stretches of New York City, its screeching honks breaking windows, eating people in its way...
Only one man would be capable of stopping it.
No, not Chuck Norris.

It would have to be the most dangerous man who ever went to Washington.
Dick Cheney. 

Think about it. Casting the lawyer-shooting former Vice President in a major Hollywood monster movie would be gold. There'd be no need to train him in using firearms. He'd bring his own weapons into the field (and complain when the special effects guys would ask him to fire blanks).
"What do you mean, I can't really shoot the bird? Listen, you snot-nosed punk, I've had people kneecapped and killed and buried in cement, so don't tell me what I can't do!"
Hollywood could even turn it into a franchise.
The Giant Cranky Goose Versus Godzilla.
The Giant Cranky Goose Versus King Kong.

The Giant Cranky Goose Versus Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds.


  1. Oh, thank you for letting me play in your blog!

  2. I think you need a Canadian remake of A Christmas Carol...(With apologies to Dickens)

    "Do you know the Poulterer's, in the next street but one, at the corner?" Scrooge inquired.

    "I should hope I did," replied the lad.

    "An intelligent boy!" said Scrooge. "A remarkable boy! Do you know whether they"ve sold the prize Canada Goose that was hanging up there -- Not the little prize Goose: the big one?"

    "What, the one as big as me?" returned the boy.

    (I just changed Turkey to Canada Goose)
    Very funny post!

  3. It sounded like fun!

    I've seen alot of giant things...the Big Nickle and The Goose in Wawa...amongst others on my trips out west...but, nothing will compare to the trip down into the nickle mine in Subury. I thought I would be trapped down there forever. I think I was eleven at the was not a fun time...I was never so glad to see daylight in all my life.

    Great blog,

  4. My money's on Fluffy. I've had your geese in my back yard all winter. You can have them back now.

  5. Great idea, you two. Fun blog. Like Karla, my money would be on Fluffy too.

  6. We do have an obsession with giant statues... I've seen the goose and the nickel. My partner has seen the lumber jack in BC and apparently there are giant dogs in the prairies. Strange. Funny post. :)

  7. I love Cheney -- anyone who knows how to use a weapon, and shoots lawyers, can't be all bad.

    Emily and I took photos of a couple of geese crossing the road in front of us just yesterday -- *walking* across the road. They might not make it to Canada this year.

  8. My uncle said my croup cough as a kid made me sound like a Canadian goose.

  9. I just can't stop laughing at the name "Wawa"! And that little fur ball! We have a TON of Canadian geese at the pond on base here. I think they're beautiful, but I wish they'd stop shitting all over the place!

  10. All praise the goose! OWATAGOOSIAM.


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