Most of my friends don't get my affection (for lack of a better word) for pro wrestling. Sure, it's all scripted. Sure, the storylines are so contrived they make soap operas look like Tolstoy, and the wrestlers go from hero to heel from one event to the next without anything resembling a valid explanation. Though they may act like idiots (as most of them do), many, if not most, are intelligent and highly educated. David Otunga, for example, has a degree from Havard Law School. Evan Bourne was vice-president of marketing for a mailbox company before becoming "Air Bourne."
These guys have dream jobs, when you think about it. When in heel mode, they get to unload a lot of crap and get paid to do it. In any other job, they'd get fired. Stone Cold Steve Austin once got to hit Vince McMahon with a bedpan. Degeneration X, aka Triple H and Shawn Michaels, once dumped, uh, poop on Vince and his dopey male cheerleaders, the Spirit Squad. Who wouldn't want to do that to their boss? Their antics once inspired some funny "Vince Likes Cocks" T-shirts. (Of course, on the shirt, the word is replaced by an animated rooster....)
Speaking of Triple H, Vince McMahon is not only his boss, he's Triple H's father-in-law. A couple of weeks ago, Triple H got to fire his father-in-law. Now, guys, how many of you would secretly like to kick your in-laws to the curb?
Triple H, the WWE's new Chief Operating Officer (my guess is that Vince actually retired but wanted to go out with a bang), made an appearance on Jimmy Fallon's show last week. He admitted that while firing his own father-in-law was awkward, it was also "a lot of fun."
CM Punk had a storyline a while back in which he became the leader of the cult-like Straight-Edge Society. All of his followers, male and female, shaved their heads (he, of course, did not--at least not by choice). At least he didn't offer them any Kool-Aid....
Last night, we were at least spared an appearance by Vickie Guerrero, window of the late former champ Eddie Guerrero, who now works for the company as a "manager." Her latest client is the annoying Dolph Ziggler. Vickie screams like a banshee and her catchphrase is, believe it or not, "Excussssse me!"
One of the two main events was a champ vs. champ math between WWE Champion John Cena and the so-called WWE Champion CM Punk (aka CM Skunk), who actually left the WWE after winning the title on July 17th. In the real world, that would mean he forfeited the title. But in the WWE, reality is regularly stretched beyond capacity like a small-size Spanx on an extra-large butt. He had insulted the entire McMahon family, including Triple H and his wife, Stephanie.
Triple H chose to referee the match himself, stating he was the only one he could trust to get it right. We wondered what the notorious "Cerebral Assassin" meant by that. Before the match, Stephanie assured Punk there were no hard feelings and offered to shake hands with him. He declined, saying, "I would, but I know where it's been."
She was later seen coming out of John Cena's dressing room. Hmmmmm....
Punk won the match. As Cena headed backstage, Kevin Nash came from the audience and decked Punk--whereupon Mexican wrestler Alberto del Rio, winner of the recent Money in the Bank event that promised him an championship match whenever and wherever he chose within the next year,came running out with a referee. He promptly pinned the unconscious Punk and took the title minutes after Punk had won it.
A setup? I guess we'll find out tonight. It wouldn't be the first....