Monday, May 14, 2012

THE AVENGERS DESTROY ALL COMPETITION FOR BOX OFFICE SUPREMACY!


As reported by International Intruder contributors William Kendall and Norma Beishir:




Dateline Collinsport: Chaos reigns at the Collinwood estate, where Avenger the Incredible Hulk has been on the rampage for several hours now. It has been confirmed that the angry green rage monster has stomped vampire Barnabas Collins into his native soil once and for all, shouting "Puny vampire!"

Dateline Pandora: Asgardian God of Thunder and Avenger Thor travelled to this distant planet and laid waste to the native inhabitants. A vicious race of blue skinned religious zealots, the Pandorians were bent on interstellar conquest while passing themselves off as benevolent and peaceful. The thunderer told reporters, "those smurfs had it coming."

Dateline Hogwarts: Captain America, the heroic soldier of World War Two and leader of the Avengers, led a raid into a wizard's school on the British isles this weekend. When asked by reporters why students were detained, the Captain informed us that reports of demonic activity, including moving pictures, fantastic creatures, and an emphasis on the Dark Arts were more then enough reason to shut down the school. There has been no comment from Headmistress McGonagall as to possible retribution.

Dateline Forks: Avenger and SHIELD agent the Black Widow was sighted in this Pacific Northwest town in recent days, coinciding with the deaths of several people, confirmed by sheriff Charlie Swan to be vampires and werewolves. One of the dead includes Sheriff Swan's daughter Bella. "I knew it would end up this way sooner or later," Swan told reporters. "She got mixed up with the wrong people, started down this path that I couldn't talk her out of, and now she's gone." Witnesses, meanwhile, were astonished by the ease with which the Widow dispatched all of the supernatural beings who tried to attack her. "It was like she wasn't even trying," one witness told us.

Dateline North Atlantic: After expressing displeasure with his on board suite, billionaire Tony Stark, also known as Avenger Iron Man, has bought the Titanic--and sunk it. You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen. There was no iceberg. Oh, and Stark reportedly referred to the journeyman artist Jack Dawson as a yellow bellied coward and an "Oliver Twist."

Dateline Panem: The Hunger Games were interrupted unexpectedly today when leading contender Katniss Everdeen was abruptly taken out by expert archer and Avengers assassin Hawkeye, who met with no resistance from observers. All who saw the final defeat of Katniss were in awe of the superior archer...and afraid to piss him off!



6 comments:

  1. You know, these things practically write themselves!

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  2. whoa... me likeie those little blue zealots smurfs.
    You guys are way to clever for Monday !

    cheers, parsnip

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  3. I spent some time in Collinwood over the weekend -- they were already in chaos, but I'm sure the Hulk helped them along!

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  4. The Zealot smurfs must be destroyed! It is truly a just cause!

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