Friday, November 2, 2012

Knock-Knock! Who's There? You Don't Want to Know!

A few months ago, there was a story on the late news about a man who opened his front door to one of his neighbors--and ended up the victim of a home invasion. Moral of the story: just because you recognize the face in the security peephole, it does not mean you're safe.



I don't let anyone I don't know past my front door. I don't let a lot of people I do know past my front door. That may sound paranoid, but we live in an increasingly dangerous world. And as anyone who's visited this blog before knows, I'm not exactly fond of my neighbors...not the ones I've met, anyway. In the almost seven years we've lived here, I've had some pretty weird critters come knocking...angry mothers who were going to call the police on me for taking photos of their kids playing ball in the courtyard (evidence, in the event they broke my windows--and perfectly legal)...kids trying to sell bracelets they didn't even have (I wonder if anyone actually bought any of that invisible jewelry?)...A monthly contingent of Jehovah's Witnesses who never get past the warm greeting that precedes the door slamming...and the occasional Avon lady who rarely speaks clear English (I'm surprised they still go door to door). But the guy who came calling on Wednesday afternoon took the Weird Dude Award.

Collin and I had just come home. I was putting groceries away when I heard the knock at the door. I looked through the blinds first, as I always do.  The young man standing at the door was at least 6'3", slim but not skinny, Caucasian, with short, dark hair in what's sometimes called a "Caesar cut," and a lean, angular face. He was smiling--but then, Ted Bundy probably smiled at his victims when he was moving in for the kill, so a smile doesn't necessarily equate innocence. He started talking so fast, I thought he must be an auctioneer. I only understood half of what he was saying, and what I could understand, I didn't like. Who comes to your door and asks you, with all the subtlety of a bulldozer, if you're a pedophile?

He was going on about--I think--wanting to be a broadcaster and needing to work on his public speaking. I wanted to tell him he'd better shoot for another career. His people skills sucked more than mine. He said something about a trip to Germany and asked if I'd ever been there.

"No." I wanted to say, Sure. When I was working in the white slave trade.

"What do you do for a living?" he asked. At least I think that was what he was asking me. Do would-be sportscasters speak a language other than English?

"I'm a writer." Actually, I'm a madam. Didn't you see my ads on Craigslist, the slum of the internet?

"Retired?"

Why, do I look that old? As long as I've been standing here listening to you ramble on, I think I might have aged ten years, actually. He was a nosy one, that's for sure.


I should have just said, "None of your business, buddy," and slammed the door in his face. Actually, I should have slammed the door in his face after the stupid pedophile comment, but he high-fived me when I said the only thing I wanted from kids was for them to stay as far away from me as humanly possible. Nice touch. I was curious as to what his real game was and decided to stay with it until I got bored.

Then he pulled out a handful of what appeared to be crumpled order forms and a list of magazines. "Could I use your table or something to fill this out?" he asked.

Nope. I don't know you. You stay out here. Comprende?

That was when I told him I get my magazines electronically and had things to tend to inside. I would rather clean the toilet than listen to any more of this. Did he think he'd sold me on anything? Who gives personal information to somebody who just shows up out of the blue at their door one day? In this age of identity theft? Nobody with half a brain.

It made me think of a news story from a few years back...a pedophile looking to conceal his legal status stole the identity of another man. Turned out the identity he stole was that of a fellow wanted for murder. In that instant, he must have known how Wile E. Coyote felt when the Acme anvil was about the land on top of him.

"You'll have to come back later," I told the guy at my door. Later...as in never.

"But this has to be done on first impression," he insisted.

Sorry, buddy...my first impression of you wouldn't get you anywhere.


21 comments:

  1. Now that rates as an ultimate weirdo...

    It's always best to listen to that voice of warning in the back of your head when it's warning you about something.

    It might also be a good idea to record the sound of a large dog barking when a nitwit like that turns up at the door...

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    1. I need the sign my dad once gave me: FORGET THE DOG, BEWARE OF OWNER.

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  2. What an idiot. You made this post funny though and that tells me these weirdos don't scare you too much. In fact, I don't think anything scares Norma Beishir!

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  3. Annoying as they are.... they do provide good blog fodder!

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  4. Everyone has a purpose...theirs is to be ridiculed in blogs!

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  5. Curiously, fewer of these jokers have knocked on my front door since my husband stuck a NRA member sticker on it!

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    Replies
    1. Hey, that's a good idea!

      But it might not work here. Management has posted two "No Ball Playing" signs in the courtyard, and they seem unable to read either of them....

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  6. That is one reason why I let my dogs bark at the door ! Scotties are small but they have a huge bark !
    If I tell then to "hush" they will but if it is not someone I know.... Bark away !
    The area I live in is not gated but we have a Security Company that drives around the area in a little white truck. These guys are older but what is good if you call them they zoom over and have already called into the main office.
    We have signs at every street entrance that says "no soliciting" All we have to do is call in some one at the door and it is taken care of.
    In the five years I have lived her I have only had three people come to my door. Two lived here and one was doing a job next door.
    Love it !
    As William said great blog fodder but I think safer is better !

    cheers, parsnip

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    1. There was a No Soliciting sign posted at our entrance, but I haven't seen it in a while. I report it, but they won't likely do anything about it. Our manager is great in every other respect, but nuisance tenants never seem to go away.

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  7. My dog is nosy about people at the door. Once a pizza guy came, and I'm trying to block the dog as I take the pizza. The pizza guy got a shock when a Doberman head shot out from between my legs. Colt LOVES pizza night.

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    1. Our German shepherd loved pizza, too. We had to board her for about a month once when we were moving. We ordered a pizza the day she came home!

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  8. Oh dear! I'm sorry you've had such a rather creepy experience! I hope this man never returns! Dear oh dear!

    I'm really grateful I have nice, kind neighbours this time round - unlike previous ones!

    Take care
    x

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    1. We used to have really good neighbors Now we live in Bizarro World--druggies, drunks, people who don't keep their bratty kids in line and oddballs spewing bullshit!

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  9. He certainly was persistent Norma, door to door are bad, but over the phone is even worse, it's got to the stage now if it's a private number or a number I don't recognize I just don't answer. I'm with you 100% on the 'don't let anyone over the doorstep' sometimes I wish i could apply this rule to my cranky older sister haha!

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    1. I'm the same way! We got rid of our landline phone because we never used it. Neither of us really likes talking on the phone, so we took no-contract phones with limited minutes (why call when you can text or email?). Not one to waste minutes, if I don't recognize the number, I let it go to voicemail. Most of the time, no message is left.

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  10. That's creepy. I hope that obnoxious weirdo doesn't bother you guys again.

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  11. That magazine thing is a scam. I've had those people show up at my door and I've sent them on their way. But you can never be too careful about checking out who's at your door. I usually keep the bolt on if I open the door but don't recognize the person.

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    1. That was the weird part. He said I didn't have to buy a magazine.

      Nothing about that dude made any sense!

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Disagreements are welcome; trolls and spammers are not. Any and all comments by either of the latter two will be immediately deleted.