Thursday, July 25, 2013

A Day in the Life of a Pro Wrestling Superstar

5:00am: Is it morning already? Craptastic! Trying to get out of bed...but I have aches in muscles and joints I didn't even know I had. Being a wrestler means living with pain on a daily basis.The matches are scripted, but the beatdowns are real. Why can't we have fake beatings?



6:00am: Shower. It might have been a pleasant experience, had I not discovered that I was not alone. I hate spiders, and the one in my shower had a legspan the size of a pie plate. I kid you not. I think I saw it in one of those B-movies from the fifties.

6:10am: I can only hope the Syfy Channel wasn't planning a sequel to that big spider movie. That sucker's dead now. Yep, I killed it! I hate spiders! No, I am not afraid of them...well, maybe a little bit....

6:30am: Shaving. It's a big job.Takes a while. Got to be totally hairless in the ring. Yep...I shave everything.

7:30am: Breakfast--I can eat all I want because I burn it off in the ring. Today, I want steak and eggs. And a dozen donuts. Do Dunkin' Donuts or Krispy Kreme deliver?

9:00am: At the gym. Got to work out a couple of hours every day. When I'm on the road, I have to find  the gym in the area. Working out with the rest of the guys can be an experience. Mad Dog Mueller is here today--he's the biggest, meanest, ugliest beast in the business, and that's sayin' a lot. The rest of us stay in shape lifting weights. Mad Dog lifts Volkswagens.



11:00am: Before lunch, I find a tanning salon. Got to keep my golden sun-god looks. Oh, shut up! Is it really that funny? At least I look better than that Tanning Mom. She's not tanned, she's extra-crispy! Ewwww! Note to self: cross fried chicken off the diet....

1:00pm: At the arena. We do have to rehearse, after all. Do you really think half the guys on the roster could beat me in a real fight? The current champion couldn't win a match if he were the only one in the ring. And his manager...don't get me started on that a**hole. He's redefined the word "snarky." Snarky is a word, right? This guy's the poster boy for Planned Parenthood. If his parents has used protection, the wrestling world would be a much better place....



5:00pm: Early dinner at an IHOP near the arena. The poor waitress who took care of Mad Dog is perplexed. He just left, and she can't figure out why there are no bones on his plate. Mad Dog doesn't chew, he just swallows. He has no idea chicken and steak have bones....

7:00pm: Showtime! At least I don't have to take on Mad Dog this time. Last year, he put me out of commission for six months. Last night in Boston, he had a handicap match with three smaller guys. (For the record, there are planets that are smaller than Mad Dog Mueller.) Watching that match was like watching the end of Jurassic Park, where the raptors ganged up on the T-Rex.

8:30pm: I have to lose to a new guy from the development program. Yeah, right--I'm gonna get beat up by some kid in his first match. Who writes this crap, anyway? I could break him in half without breaking a sweat. And he's in drag! What genius came up with that gimmick? Oh, that's right...our new head writer came to us from a soap opera. I hope Mad Dog and I don't end up finding out we're long lost brothers....

9:00pm: Our general manager's having his regularly scheduled stroke. The guy lives in a constant state of panic. If he ever has a stroke for real, most of us probably won't notice until the EMTs arrive....

9:30pm: Mad Dog makes an ass of himself in the locker room just before heading out to the ring. I decide not to tell him what he's forgetting. He makes his way out there and jumps into the ring, grinning ear-to-ear--until he throws off his robe and discovers he forgot his trunks! He stands there, butt-naked for all the world to see. Literally. The TV censors must be going nuts trying to deal with it. Parents in the audience are covering their kids' eyes. I wonder how long it's gonna take for Mad Dog to realize he's got his junk out there on display?

10:30pm: Time to call it a night It's going to be impossible to sleep tonight. Social media's gonna be on fire with posts about Mad Dog's, uh, sin of omission. I wonder how many people have tweeted that photo from their cellphones already?

*****

Be sure you check out William Kendall's unusually serious post on music at Speak of the Devil, Scarlett and James' post on the Royal Baby (yes, Scarlett and James are William's and my alter egos!) at Basking in the Afterglow, and the offerings at Authors for Oklahoma--make a donation, win free books! It's for a good cause!


13 comments:

  1. My step-dad loves pro wrestling. When I was a kid, I'd watch it with him. But now...NOT! Very funny.

    Hugs and chocolate,
    Shelly

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  2. Mad Dog is a vacuum cleaner when he eats, huh?

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    1. Yep! He just opens his mouth and sucks it in!

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  3. Wow, you really know this stuff. You always surprise us Norma!

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    1. I grew up with it, Evie. My dad was a huge fan. I watched it with him every Saturday night for as log as I can remember. Now I watch with Collin.

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  4. Hee hee....

    My grandparents LOVED wrestling and it was always on on Saturdays at their house.
    That Mad Dog pic is too much!

    Well done, William!

    Hi, Norma!! :)

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    1. I should have noted, for those who aren't wrestling fans, that none of the pics are Mad Dog--he's a fictional wrestler from my upcoming novel, Sucker-Punched. The pics are, from the top, WWE former champion (and Executive Vice-President) Triple H; from The Avengers, Thor and Captain America; WWE Champ John Cena; Jabba the Hut; and WWE manager Paul Heyman.

      William? Wrong blog. His is the next blog over!

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  5. Haha! Even the big tough guys are ninnies when it comes to spiders...not that I blame them :)) Fun read Norma.

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    1. Thanks, Grace! I'm trying to picture this big, muscular man cringing in terror at the sight of a tiny spider.

      (For the record, I'm not crazy about spiders, either, but it's only the venomous ones I take issue with.)

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  6. Do they make tanning beds that big? I still don't understand pro wrestling, but the soap opera writer could make for an interesting show.

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  7. They must shave everything, eh? Bet Mad Dog's exposure did indeed frighten kids and appall adults!

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  8. That is too funny. I don't watch it, but I remember watching it when I was little because my grandpa always had it on.

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