Sunday, July 21, 2013

A Day in the Life of a Soap Opera Actress


I got this idea from my partner in crime, William Kendall, whose blogging plate was too full to take on any more "A Day in the Life" posts...so now I'll be doing these on occasion, too. Meanwhile, he's posted a brilliant review of my latest publication, a short story (novella?)--An Army of Angels--at Speak of the Devil!


5:00am: Alarm wakes me. Is it morning already? I'm hungry. I would love to have a huge omelet and a large glass of orange juice. In my dreams. Have to watch my weight. I'll be having a protein shake...and fantasizing about real food. I'd kill for a donut!

6:00am: Took a shower alone. Only at home can I do it alone. On TV, I've always got some guy or other in there with me. And I'm always wearing a flesh-colored, uh, garment, which makes being wet pretty unpleasant. Ick!



8:00am: Arrived at studio. I'm wearing oversized sunglasses and a baseball cap—so unglamorous—because I don't have my hair and makeup done. Can't have anyone seeing me without makeup. I have an image to uphold, after all. Not that a baseball cap and sunglasses are at all sexy....

8:30am: Getting hair and makeup done. It's a four-person job. It's not easy to look like the soap world's biggest tramp, you know. Especially since I'm a bit past my use-by date. I have to look twenty-five when I'm actually forty-five....

10:30am: Script read-through time. Who writes this stuff, anyway? How am I supposed to read these lines with a straight face? I heard our head writer is leaving. He's going to work for the WWE. Why am I not surprised?

12:00pm: Lunch. The caterers put out a great spread, as always. The men are devouring it. We women are nibbling on carrot and celery sticks under the watchful eye of the wardrobe supervisor, who reminds us that there's no money in the reduced budget for alterations to accommodate backside spread. This stuff tastes like rabbit food.



2:00pm: Met the actor who's replacing the kid playing my son. He looks to be about twenty-two. The other kid was twelve. What gives? Oh, wait a minute. My son was away at school in Switzerland. Soap kids who get shipped off to Swiss boarding schools tend to grow up really, really fast. It's called Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome....

3:30pm: Taping love scene with the actor playing my new husband. Which husband is this, anyway? Let's see...my character has been married five or six times, had affairs with her sisters' husband and both of her daughters' boyfriends. She even had a baby with one of them—can't remember which one, though. Not bad for a gal in the throes of menopause!

4:00pm: The taping is wrapping up for the day—early, since we all have to attend the Daytime Emmys show tonight. The love scene went well—though I would rather have been in the sack with the young man playing my son! What a hottie!

6:00pm: Dressing for the awards show. The dress is amazing. I'm so glad I don't have to pay for it...though I really would like to keep it.... Unfortunately, on what I'm paid, I can't afford it. I'd have to find a good street corner on Sunset Boulevard....

7:00pm: They're serving dinner! I don't care what the wardrobe supervisor says, I'm going to eat tonight! I'm semi-naked in most of my scenes anyway. What won't fit? Yum! Everything looks so good! They're serving Sacrificial Lamb....

9:30pm: The Best Actress award is about to be announced. The TV cameras are panning the auditorium. Oh, great—they got a close-up of me with my mouth full. I probably look like a chipmunk storing nuts for the winter at my big moment. I just know I'm going to win this year. I've been nominated fourteen times. This is going to be my year, yes it is...WHAT??? They gave it to Callie Michaels? Are they kidding? Her character has only spent most of the past year in a coma after falling from a helicopter and.... Hah! The cameras only got me with a full mouth. Callie is up on stage straight from a trip to the ladies' room—with TP stuck to her stiletto!

11:30pm: Life is good. I may not have been named Best Actress, but I brought home a prize. I'm spending the night with that twenty-two-year-old hottie who plays my son....




12 comments:

  1. The day may have started with food frustrations, but looks like it ended rather well for your soap star Norma..and not a calorie in sight :))

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    1. She'll burn off the calories overnight, Grace!

      You know, Australia produced one of my all-time favorite soaps: Return to Eden.

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  2. What a diva this one is! I'm falling about laughing!

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    1. There's one soap where one particular actress is still portrayed as the sexpot every man wants, even thought she's kinda long in the tooth now. On another, all the men in one family have been smitten by the town nutcase. I couldn't resist poking fun at that sort of thing!

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    2. I think if you enjoyed East of Eden Norma, you would really like 'A Place to Call Home' that started a few months ago, link below.

      There's a new series that started a few months ago called 'A Place to Call Home' I think you would like this one too Norma.

      http://www.throng.com.au/2012/07/new-seven-show-a-place-to-call-home/

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  3. That's cute. I'm a writer and most of my meals consist of celery sticks these days. What a great imagination you have Miss Norma!

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    Replies
    1. Soaps are my favorite thing to poke fun at!

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  4. Kudos to you for taking this on. I wouldn't know how to begin.
    So how do you really feel about soaps?

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    Replies
    1. There are only two I actually watch--one since my college days--but I do a lot of swearing at the TV, because some (most) of the storylines are just that ridiculous!

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