We see all of the pay-per-view events--they used to cost us $40-50.00 per event, and there was a PPV just about every month. Now, we just subscribe to the WWE's streaming network and these events are included in the $9.99 monthly fee. Sunday, it was the main event of the WWE's year, Wrestlemania--a big, splashy affair in which rivalries play out in front of a huge international audience. Wrestlemania 31 broke an attendance record for Santa Clara's Levis Stadium with 76,976 fans from all 50 states and 40 countries--and grossed $12.6 million in revenue.
Among the matches this year, fan favorite John Cena defended the honor of the USA by whipping the a** of the Russian beast Rusev who, until Sunday night, held the US championship belt (Rusev is in truth from Bulgaria, while his manager/main squeeze Lana is actually from Florida--hence the cheesy Russian accent). There was a battle royal for the Intercontinental title, eventually won by another Face, Daniel Bryan. The Undertaker, whose two decades-long Wrestlemania winning streak was broken last year, was back to re-establish himself in a match against creepy Face of Fear wannabe Bray Wyatt (I'm convinced this guy was in the cast of The Hills Have Eyes). The Bella Twins defeated Paige and AJ Lee in a Divas Tag Team match. In a match resulting from the longtime rivalry between the WWE and the now-defunct WCW, the icon Sting took on WWE superstar and current Chief Operating Officer Triple H. Unofficially, Dwayne the Rock Johnson and UFC women's bantamweight champ Ronda Rousey took out Triple H and Stephanie McMahon, making headlines in the mainstream media. And the main event, the WWE Heavyweight Championship title match between the defending champion Brock Lesnar and challenger Roman Reigns was a great match--until it was interrupted after a brutal beatdown on both sides. Money in the Bank winner and all-around idiot heel Seth Rollins cashed in his "anytime, anywhere" contract and pinned Reigns to take the title without any real effort on his own part.
But that's how the WWE goes.
Here, I've chosen a few of the best moments from Sunday's big event and provided captions for what the wrestlers might have been saying or thinking....
"Bow, you dogs! I'm the King. Better yet, I'm married to the boss' daughter!"
"Air Lunatic Fringe, not requesting permission to land--just get outta my way!"
"Didn't I see you in The Hills Have Eyes?"
"I've got some bad news for ya!
Your fly is open, moron!"
Your fly is open, moron!"
"Crap! He's not wearing an athletic supporter!"
"Before this is over, one or both of us is going to need
a hip replacement, buddy."
"Those are really good implants. Hope they don't leak...."
"The Rock is too much of a gentleman to hit a woman...so
my friend Ronda will beat the
crap out of you for me!"
"End of the road for you, Boris--after tonight,
you and Natasha can go back to looking
for Moose and Squirrel!"
"I didn't know you were that kind of guy, Roman!"
"Get me a ref, quick! The only way I'm gonna ever win a title is
to pin one of them while they're both unconscious!"
"You weren't invited to this party, turd blossom!"