Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Wrestlemania 31: What the (Bleep) Were They Thinking?

As those of you who know me well already know, I've been a wrestling fan since I was a child. Same goes for Collin. We were brainwashed introduced to it by my dad, who never liked baseball, football, hockey or basketball and thought golf was pointless. Sure, the writing can be lame most of the time and most of the new crop of performers' ring personas pale in comparison to the likes of legends like Stone Cold Steve Austin, Andre the Giant, Macho Man Randy Savage, Jake the Snake Roberts, etc.--but there's still enough to be entertaining (and frustrating, at times).

We see all of the pay-per-view events--they used to cost us $40-50.00 per event, and there was a PPV just about every month. Now, we just subscribe to the WWE's streaming network and these events are included in the $9.99 monthly fee. Sunday, it was the main event of the WWE's year, Wrestlemania--a big, splashy affair in which rivalries play out in front of a huge international audience. Wrestlemania 31 broke an attendance record for Santa Clara's Levis Stadium with 76,976 fans from all 50 states and 40 countries--and grossed $12.6 million in revenue.

Among the matches this year, fan favorite John Cena defended the honor of the USA by whipping the a** of the Russian beast Rusev who, until Sunday night, held the US championship belt (Rusev is in truth from Bulgaria, while his manager/main squeeze Lana is actually from Florida--hence the cheesy Russian accent). There was a battle royal for the Intercontinental title, eventually won by another Face, Daniel Bryan. The Undertaker, whose two decades-long Wrestlemania winning streak was broken last year, was back to re-establish himself in a match against creepy Face of Fear wannabe Bray Wyatt (I'm convinced this guy was in the cast of The Hills Have Eyes). The Bella Twins defeated Paige and AJ Lee in a Divas Tag Team match. In a match resulting from the longtime rivalry between the WWE and the now-defunct WCW, the icon Sting took on WWE superstar and current Chief Operating Officer Triple H. Unofficially, Dwayne the Rock Johnson and UFC women's bantamweight champ Ronda Rousey took out Triple H and Stephanie McMahon, making headlines in the mainstream media. And the main event, the WWE Heavyweight Championship title match between the defending champion Brock Lesnar and challenger Roman Reigns was a great match--until it was interrupted after a brutal beatdown on both sides. Money in the Bank winner and all-around idiot heel Seth Rollins cashed in his "anytime, anywhere" contract and pinned Reigns to take the title without any real effort on his own part.

But that's how the WWE goes.

Here, I've chosen a few of the best moments from Sunday's big event and provided captions for what the wrestlers might have been saying or thinking....

"Bow, you dogs! I'm the King. Better yet, I'm married to the boss' daughter!"

"Air Lunatic Fringe, not requesting permission to land--just get outta my way!"

"Didn't I see you in The Hills Have Eyes?"

"I've got some bad news for ya!
Your fly is open, moron!"

"Crap! He's not wearing an athletic supporter!"

"Before this is over, one or both of us is going to need 
a hip replacement, buddy."

"Those are really good implants. Hope they don't leak...."

"The Rock is too much of a gentleman to hit a woman...so 
my friend Ronda will beat the 
crap out of you for me!"

"End of the road for you, Boris--after tonight, 
you and Natasha can go back to looking 
for Moose and Squirrel!"

"I didn't know you were that kind of guy, Roman!"

"Get me a ref, quick! The only way I'm gonna ever win a title is 
to pin one of them while they're both unconscious!"

"You weren't invited to this party, turd blossom!"


  1. I got a kick out of your captions! I'd be completely lost trying to sort these guys out. The only one I'm particularly familiar with is the Rock, primarily because of his movies.

    1. The Rock comes from a very large wrestling family. They go back 50 years, several generations. At least three of his cousins are on the current roster (Roman Reigns and the Uso brothers), and his father, grandfather and uncle are in the Hall of Fame. One of his relatives, Rikishi, was inducted into the Hall of Fame on Saturday night, and the commentary by his sons was hilarious. I've got to see if You Tube has the video....

  2. You have funny captions. Much better than watching those creeps sweat.

    1. That's what Collin and I do when we're watching. We have our own running commentary.

      I'm into indoor sports--providing wrestling commentary, poking fun at idiots who think they're geniuses, critiquing soap operas....

  3. Too funny. The closest I get to wrestling is watching Total Divas occasionally.

  4. I don't know anything about this topic, but I appreciate your fun.

    1. It's always good for a few laughs, Ivy!

    2. It's great when we have stuff that we enjoy like this. Right now I'm groovin' on Property Brothers.

  5. This is so funny !
    I knew all of the older names but don't know any of the new ones.
    It is all the pre wet or oiled hair and super sweaty body that get me. How can they hold on to anyone ?
    Adore your captions but I saw #9 and thought "come to mama" but that is so typical.
    Best Tuesday blog !

    cheers, parsnip

    1. I think some of the guys oil themselves to a degree, but not so that they're slippery! There was a joke made a while back about Triple H. He used to come out, take a long drink from his water bottle and spit it out like a geyser. The WWE magazine ran something about switching his water with Propel and getting everybody in the front row sticky!

  6. Funny! Hard to imagine you enjoying wrestling!

    Now me, I prefer NASCAR!

    1. I've been told that a lot, not sure why. We were staying in a hotel some years back. I used to get into wrestling discussions with a guy who worked there. The front desk manager said, "How can somebody as smart as you are like wrestling?"

      I guess it's because it was something my family did together when I was very young. Every Saturday night, Mom, Dad and me would have pizza and watch wrestling.

      NASCAR? Cheryl, you're a redneck???


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