Monday, October 3, 2016

The Rumors of My Death Have Been, Well, Wrong....

I got two voicemail messages from a longtime family friend over the weekend. When I finally got to talk to her yesterday, she told me that one of her neighbors had run into the brother of another friend at Home Depot, who told her neighbor that I had died.


Huh?

The same neighbor had told her years ago that the son of a woman I knew from high school had died in an automobile accident, so he's not the most reliable source of breaking news. And then there's the brother of my other friend. He's not reliable for much of anything. I'm not sure exactly what happened. Maybe he told the neighbor that my mother had died--but then, that was eighteen years ago as of next week. Or maybe he was relating me telling him to drop dead, though I'm not sure actually  I did, even if it was distinctly implied when I finally got through to him that I was not going to write his book for him.

I'm pretty sure I'm not dead. If I am, I'm really, really disappointed. I expected the afterlife to be a lot better than this...unless...oh, no...I've gone to the other place...you know the place I'm taking about. No, that can't be. Collin's here. Chocolate is here. Netflix and Hulu are here....

I guess this is one of the things that go with getting old. If people don't hear from you for a while, they just assume you're dead. And I'm not great at keeping in touch. I hate talking on the phone and I'm not crazy about text conversations, either. Not lengthy ones, anyway. I like email.

There was an insert from Walgreens in Sunday's paper: 7 Surprising Signs of Aging. Some are, some are not...surprising, I mean.

1. Shrinking. Women shrink an average of 1.97 inches from age 30 to age 70. I'm pretty sure I've shrunk more than that. I was 5'4". On my last doctor appointment, I was 5'2". That would explain why I could reach the second shelf in our kitchen cabinets when we moved here. Now I can only reach the first shelf.

2. Drooping Earlobes. Drooping earlobes? Seriously?

3. Sore feet. Check!

4. Dry Mouth. Double check! Apparently, my blood pressure meds are the culprits.

5. Hairless Legs. I wish!!!

6. Spotted hands. Not too much of this...but it turns out this one isn't really about aging. It's about sun exposure. Not a problem for vampires!

7. Disappearing eyebrows. This happens?

All in all, I'm encouraged. I feel pretty good for being dead and all....

PS I'm now posting twice weekly here (Mondays and Fridays) and tree times a week (Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays) on my writer blog at WordPress....




 


14 comments:

  1. hahahahahahaha
    Glad to hear your alive ! ! !

    cheers, parsnip

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    1. Me too, Gayle! I even checked my blood pressure to make sure my fuel pump was actually working!

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  2. I know the getting shorter thing happens... my dad's shorter than he was at his peak.

    I've told the odd person lately to drop dead... had it yesterday when I snarled at a drunk.

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  3. Shrinking, yes; earlobes, no. Liver spots on hands use castor oil at night. I'm serious. It works on hands or face. Dry mouth, oh yeah. Let's not discuss the other.

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    1. The drooping earlobes sounds weird, doesn't it?

      Castor oil--thanks for the tip!

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  4. Hairless legs???? I look forward to that one.

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  5. You're in good company, right up there with Mark Twain! Reports of your death have been greatly exaggerated.

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    1. I never thought of it that way! Thanks!

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  6. Glad you're not dead, Norma. This aging thing is a trip. I'm bummed out about the eyebrows. Someday, will I be one of those old ladies who looks like her eyebrows were drawn on with a crayon?

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    1. I guess I'm lucky. Mine don't seem to be shedding!

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  7. There really isn't much to look forward to growing older.. except not being dead 😀 Very happy to hear that you're still with us Norma 😊

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    1. I used to feel that way--but the truth is that I've never been more content. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to find that contentment.

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